I have been having an issue with a controversial topic with myself. It has been off and on for years. Tonight it got brought back up in my mind while I was getting ready for bed. So, I figured I would blog about it and maybe get other's perspective and stop fighting with myself.
We all argue with ourselves over many things. Why did I eat that? Why did I say that (or didn't say that)? What was I thinking? and so on..... The issue I am facing is a religious one.
I believe in God. With all my heart. I wish I was closer to him. Had a stronger relationship with him and bring my family to a closer relationship with him. Over the years I tend to question whether the choices I make are my choices or one's God wanted me to choose. I know God knows our life, where we will be in the future, where we have been, and where we stand now. He knows the mistakes we are going to make, the good decisions, and the lessons we learn.
The problem I keep facing is I question decisions I am facing as to whether I should or should not. I am a VERY indecisive person. I tend to question a lot of things (Hey, I even question who made the words for sky, colors, and on...). That can be a great thing and it can be a very irritating thing.
The question that popped in my head tonight that made me think again was one about adding another child to my family. I am a grown woman. I can choose on my own to have children and how many. God has given three amazing, beautiful, more than I could imagine children. I am so blessed. Although, I do not feel I am done having children. I have always wanted a big family. It's been a dream of mine. Yes, three children can be considered big, but five has always been my number.
This question became an issue when I had mirena taken out in October because I was having many complications and birth control does not match with me well. In December I ended up finding out I pregnant and in a few short days I miscarried. I know it had medical reasons behind it, but I know God knew we were not ready to be parents at the moment again or maybe that baby wouldn't be healthy. I am not 100% sure. I looked at all my children today in amazement. They are wonderful. Then my friend let me watch her baby who is 17 days old. She was so tiny and precious. She was another reminder of God's greatest blessings. As I held her I watched her sleep and wondered is choosing to have a fourth child MY decision I am making despite God's plan or is God leading me and will allow me to be pregnant at the right time? Is it always up to him for our future or can we steer off his path and make our own life decisions?
I wish there was a way I can talk to God. For him to speak back to me, to guide me. I have prayed and prayed and not once received an answer from God or have him speak back to me in any way. Am I not doing it right? I picked up my Bible the other day and a devotional. I set it down on my end table and have not picked it up yet. I would like one of my goals starting tomorrow is to focus on once a day reading over God's word, following the devotional, and see where God takes me. I just wish I didn't always question my decision whether they are wrong or right. I am letting the timing and decision up to God on our family continuing. I lay it in God's hand to take me on the path he has choosen for me and my beautifully blessed family.
Does anyone have any advice, questions of their own, or just words of encouragement? Feel free to share. Goodnight!